You crave what you are hungry for. You imagine the world of ice-creams, lollypops, sugar-candy, and you live inside that dream. Some for long, some – like me – for just a little while. Then, you become aware. You get hit with awareness on the head, sort of. And you don’t know what to do with it. This is how people lose it.
So it rained in a very awkward way on 7th April, half-way in our yard was soaking wet and the other half was dry. This little unexpected rain had surprisingly triggered total clarity into my thinking. I now understand. I’ll try explain.
You are always on your own, even when surrounded by crowds. Presence of other human bodies doesn’t matter, you know well everyone is to themselves. The only way you can own your life is in some virtual conversation. Tangibly, your life is not yours. You make no plans, plans plan you.
The only time you are happy is when you can breathe, and that is nearly never because everything and everyone is watching you. You are the eyes of your world but when you close your eyes, there is another pair on your eyelids, wide open, watching you sleep. Making you feel so sad and so alone.
This is what I saw in just a few seconds: sadness and more sadness. It is like a sea of sadness that drowns everything in its way. Not good. And it is sadness you are trying to escape by killing everything that steps in your way, indiscriminately, friend and foe.
What has rain got to do with it? It was unplanned, my car roof was open and I had to jump to close it because only I know how to do it. I was soaking wet on the left side of my body and totally dry on the right. My heart was so quickly heavy and drenched.
Then I was aware that some people can have the luxury of living their life and some others can’t. I can live my life the way I want to.
Even that little rain was a proof of life. A very complicated life but very precious to me. The way I live it, the way important to me. The way you can never be carefree and divided in half like cut with a cake knife, holding the groom on top of your head as the bride falls into the very first serving plate with a clonk.
It must be strangely disheartening to want to do the things you can’t do just because you are yourself.
We all walk around with our hearts exposed to everything around us. What we allow to enter is what we wish for. But if there are no wishes… If all you wish for is to step out of your tension then there is no need to have a heart. At all. And then you probably don’t have it. Because life always gives us just as much as we need. Not more we can manage, not more we can handle.
I can stand in the rain any time and feel good about it. Because it is my rain that rains on me, the way I want it to rain on me. And that, as they say, is a wrap.
………………..
Kuri gaabaire gari amacumu kuri twafiire?
…………………
I’m listening to the silence of the night. I hear my heart asking questions, hear my mind saying ‘not now’. A horse neighs in the distance.
